The Revitalization of America

The date- Nov. 2018. The task at hand – the cultivation of Donald Trump for good instead of evil.

Mr. “Art of the Deal” was the most powerful man in the world, yet so reviled because of his massive insecurity that he spent all of his time in attack mode. But a carefully crafted and covert plan was coming together behind the scenes. If the two major parties could find a way to move forward together and convince the president that this plan was all his idea, they could actually help their constituents and possibly even the world. Manipulating Trump’s ego was the easy part but getting the parties to work together – now that was a challenge. More educated people than those available had been dashed on the rocks of an attempted bi-partisan reconciliation, but it was worth a try. After days of deliberation and numerous drafts, an envelope was placed on the president’s desk.

Oval Office – The White House

The president sat wearily at his desk. He was tired. It had been such a long battle to get here and every day just got more and more difficult. It was quiet for once as congress was out of session for the holidays. His aides scurried around, busying themselves with the work of the White House, being very quiet so as not to disturb him. There was an envelope on his desk, he’d seen it before. People were always putting things on his desk and he usually ignored them or pushed them to the side. He was the president and he’d see what he wanted to see. He didn’t like to read. His eyes hurt and he wouldn’t wear his glasses for fear it would make him look weak. He was hungry and looking forward to lunch. One of the perks of being the president was that you had world-class chefs on call 24 hours a day to make you anything you wanted. But this was nothing new for Donald. He’d had this his whole life. He’d always had someone to give him anything he wanted. He’d never shopped or cooked. Servants did that. His mouth watered a little thinking about the lobster mac and cheese he’d ordered for lunch. They’d just flown the lobsters in from Maine this morning. As he eased back in his chair, for some reason he picked up the envelope. It said, “The Revitalization of America” by Donald J. Trump. He liked that word ‘revitalization’. It had a ring to it. He put the envelope in his coat pocket, settled even further back in his chair and for just a moment, closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

Point 1 President Trump’s Plan for America 

“My fellow Americans, I’ve had a brilliant idea. In the run up to the mid-term elections, I deployed troops to the border to guard against the caravan of illegal immigrants that was bearing down on our borders. But I’ve had a change of heart. There are so many tragedies going on in our country and the world. As Part 1 of Donald J. Trump’s Plan for the Revitalization of America, I’m going to deploy half of the troops that are now stationed at the border to engage the caravan, in a joint agreement with Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto. We will offer them aid, listen to their problems and try to persuade them that with our help and assistance, we will make it possible for them to return to their countries. I am currently working on an aid package with money raised for the border wall to help get these countries back on their feet and fight the scourge of corruption and violence that has devastated so many of the countries to the south. Much easier than building a 2,500 mile wall and it creates good will for America and Mexico. 

The other half of the troops will be deployed immediately to California to provide support, wherever necessary, in fighting these horrible forest fires. I now see that I may have been hasty in blaming the state for their lack of preparation and I need to first give aid and support before we discuss the much more complex problem moving forward. 

This is Part 1 of President Donald J. Trump’s Plan for the Revitalization of America. Brilliant, I think!”

A smile creased the president’s lips. It even hurt to smile. The tiredness he was feeling was something bigger than himself. He was feeling the weight of a nation and it pressed down on him until he could barely breathe…..

Part 2 of Donald Trump’s Revitalization Plan for America

The Me Too Movement

The president dictating to his personal secretary:

“ ‘I’d like to acknowledge the Me Too Movement and the poor treatment of women in America in general. Women have been treated like second-class citizens for far too long and I want to start by apologizing and saying I will do better in the future when it comes to my treatment of women.

So that said, I’d like to take time to apologize to the porn star, the Playboy bunny and Mary “Perky Pants” Roth, who although not named in any of the sexual harassment claims against me, was my personal assistant and let’s just say I didn’t always treat her with the respect she deserved. I mean, I called her Perky Pants, and although I meant it as a compliment, I can see where she might not have taken it as such. 

I have hired many strong, qualified women in my administration, such as Kelly Ann, Sarah and Nikki Haley. They clearly were hired on merit, I mean look at them.’ No, edit that out. Sorry, I was distracted. 

‘It is my declaration that here on forward, I will be an advocate for women and support all women to the best of my ability. Which, as you know, is considerable since I am the most important man in the world. Sincerely, President Donald J. Trump.’ 

OK, copy and print that with the appropriate edits and leak, I mean send it to Fox News right after my nap. Genius, if I do say so myself!“

Tariffs

When I became President I attempted to use my superior skills in the field of business to re-negotiate deals in which I felt America was being treated unfairly. And while it’s true that I have a degree in economics I have something far better – my instinct. I knew if I placed tariffs on countries that we trade with and showed them we meant business they would come round to my way of thinking. We have re-negotiated and renamed NAFTA because we were getting the short end of the stick from both Canada and Mexico. In the new USMCA, which I wanted to call the USMC in honor of the Marine Corps and Gomer Pyle, my favorite Marine, we have renegotiated the portions of over 1.2 trillion dollars in trade and I think you’ll find we will be doing much better in the long run.

Now on to China. I may have under-estimated the Chinese and President Xi Jinping’s resolve when it comes to trade and tariffs. I figured if I squeezed them a little they would come round very quickly to my way of thinking. But being the president you learn things. Did you know there are 1.3 billion Chinese? That’s a lot. It’s also been said that these tariffs are just encouraging China to find other trade partners which I didn’t count on. Very stubborn, these Chinese. So I will be contacting President Xi very shortly. The farmers aren’t happy since China’s not buying their soybeans. I offered a bailout. No one wanted that …..

Authors note: OK I have to admit that I often get ideas in that semi-wakeful state between dreaming and being totally awake. The idea for this story was that a bipartisan effort was put in place to trick the president into seeing the error of his ways and actually helping people. Not just the 1% but people who actually need help. I was determined I would write it straight as if it really happened. I wouldn’t make fun or deride, just tell the story. I had a whole list of things the president would address in “Donald J. Trump’s Revitalization of America”. I almost made it through the first, which addressed the caravan and the California forest fires, although I backslid a little. By number 2, talking about the Me Too Movement and the president’s treatment of women in general, I resorted to cheap jokes and sarcasm. I mean how even in a fictional account of this man can you tell the story without humor? He’s a walking, talking contradiction. But I rallied and finished point two, the Me Too Movement. 

By the time I got to point three, tariffs and the new NAFTA or USMCA, I couldn’t even make it to China. I’m ashamed that I can’t rise above the cheap jokes and tell a story where the president does good and sees the error of his ways because that’s just not possible. The lack of humility in this man makes it impossible to report him as anything more than an egotistical, narcissistic dope – and those are his good qualities. My apologies, I tried!! The End

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