Darlene was having a crisis of conscience. She went to her Apple church icon and double clicked. She chose “Neighborhood Cozy” as her place of worship – nothing ostentatious for her. Not like those Gaudi Cathedral people. Who did they think they were? She was angry because her neighbor’s gardener had been blowing leaves and debris into her yard and she wasn’t sure what to do. She clicked on Young Pastor Mike – he was a good problem solver and kind of sexy.
In addition to “Neighborhood Cozy” she had chosen “Church of the Living Sin” as an ideology. They were harsh but when you needed to cut to the chase the last thing you wanted were those namby-pamby Presbyterians. She’d had it with all that turn-the-other-cheek crap.
Pastor Mike listened, hands steepled under his chin, eyes closed, almost as if he was praying. When Darlene had finished listing the litany of gardening offenses her neighbors had committed, he opened his eyes. “Well you know, Darlene, the Bible tells us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. But in this case, I say say fuck that! Nothing worse than a gardener who doesn’t know the boundaries!”
Darlene was pleased. She knew pastor Mike had been a good choice.
The modern world was so much easier. You didn’t have to interact with people unless you wanted to. You could have all your shopping done for you, and other than the occasional dust up when Alexa and Siri fought (nothing worse than a cross platform cat fight) things were calm and quiet.
She clicked on the traffic app before she headed out to work. They’d had another wrong way driver on the 405 and a terrible head on crash had ensued. The drivers of both cars were in critical condition and traffic was backed up for miles.
“Oh well, looks like I’m tele-commuting today. Alexa, bring up Virtual Office.”
She wanted to enter the lottery for Hamilton tickets this morning anyway and the icon for the contest was there right now on her browser. Wait, it just changed to an Allstate ad. Damnit, you had to be quick on the draw if you wanted those Hamilton tickets. Oh, wait, there it was again. You have to download an app? No, not this time. I’ve already had to upgrade my phone 3 times just so I could fit all the apps. I’m taking an app nap.
Darlene scrolled further down the page. Oh no, Lady Gaga was in severe pain and had to cancel tour dates. Apparently she’d done a stage dive at her last show and had gotten an aqua stiletto stuck up her ass in the ensuing melee. Surgery to remove the offending shoe had been successful and she was expected to be back on tour by summer. Unfortunately, the shoes were ruined, but were now on Ebay for $4000 dollars. Gaga, whose real name was Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta (my god, no wonder she goes by Gaga) was said to be devastated at having to cancel dates.
The comments below the article were the best part of any news story these days. An anonymous space where you could say anything you wanted without fear of reprisal. Like the Russian bots that just kept saying Trump Trump Trump MAGA after every story that had anything to do with politics.
“I don’t like her music or her views but I’m glad she got the shoe out of her ass,” was her favorite.
To be continued…